Something a part of Mind wanted Me to Know.

My will supresses me.
My Freedom oppresses me.
Justice distracts me.
While evil attacks me.

I owe YOU

I owe YOU.
I love YOU.
I apologize to YOU.
YOU have been the sister, which I lacked for the little gap in my life and i treat you to this wait, this wonder on your own day of birth you have to wait for me..you had to wait for me and it was you who had to wonder....but i take fault for that and i am sorry i promised myself all year this would be something maybe i could surprise you with a visit....instead i am surprised by jealousy and bad intended prayers...and disappointment with myself. so while i am supposed to say thank yooou God for this extra arm leg body of a sister, i was going crazy in my mind in my room in complete rage. so thank you for understanding perfect person, thank you even in ur own day you put me ahead of you.
i love you.
i know it too, because this does feel like something a sister would do :) thanks i owe you one.

this is the resting NOW.

Traffic in my eyes,
Agenda of work, to-do.
Will. My only demise,
Not happiness. who knew?

Supposedly its a holiday.
Pjs sweater and walls.
Intelligent mind lead astray.
"Happy Eid" noone calls.

Left here missing someone.
Worse. Who are they?
Sadly beautiful. Hardly fun.
Me. The grand delay.

In this sitting moment,
Trying for fun or study?
Time that should've meant,
Spending in this dying party.

Spending with this price.
Paying--In follwing time.
Rolling hours like dice.
In secret my guiltiest crime.

Mirror mirror closet wall,
You speak so direct.
My reflection, a doll,
Princess and tragic fall.

This gift. This failure.
What have i done!
ADD! Not the cure!
Charge: ME the one.

Only blame to blame,
Is always the suspect.
So im in strain.
Me, vitcim to protect.

Playing both rival roles.
Super woman. Personal adversary.
Catch-22. Reduced into holes.
Claiming happiness! In contrary.

Side-effects: this twinging headache.
Little efforts for focus.
More side-effects: psycosis. heartache.
Normal. something ill miss.

Overall rush of only-ness.
Poor mind forced lower.
Lower than reachable greatness.
Time outdoes. lower. lower.

this IS restting NOW.
Only to pay Later.
Then its aggrivatated to-be.
this will be the resting tomorrow.




Why? The only question I can't satisfy.

Virtual...better to be fake.

So the world decided as a whole...interenet was the way to go..no one thought a revolutionary thought besides "Genious Internet!" and of course we all follow....who would have stopped to mention that 'yes we can do it....but should we try....at the cost of our minds and time...at the cost of maybe forever altering key things like the english language (omg lol) or comunicating with others (porn, romance, friendship)' thats never occurred....but what has occurred is this huge consequence of what we chose.....instead we weigh the two revolutionary thoughts side by side and vaguely nodd our heads to the left...the internet the conveience over the brains......matter over mind...
we like it when its fake and riddled with loooools and hahhaahahahahaha we think people actually care...we think people actually wanna give us hugs but we cant help but put lol between ever IM message and we label THAT as conversation....we dont know that in person we cant stand each other, that conversation is a real skill and luxury, and truly silence is with us all the time when depend on things like the internet,....its delicious things like the internet that distract us from 10minute gaps in time on chats....its so many accounts logged on signed in, in use....we seem busy....we like it fake, we like it all about us....we like leading these virtual lives that in reality we realize how the internet makes everything so real....
But lets keep leading these lives, because were too lazy for revolutionaries right? lets keep following....no need to interupt the signal, not now.

I forgot by who, "The feeling of being hurried is not usually the result of living a full life and having no time. It is on the contrary born of a vague fear that
we are wasting our life. When we do not do the one thing we ought to do, we have no time for anything else- we are the busiest people in the world"

Its Better to BE fake. (cuz we were not revolutionaries)

INBOX 1 from: me To:

i love you.
think about that....if i had 6000 dollars..and u merely asked for them, i would give them.
if i had a car and u needed it more then i do, i would run to the DMV.
if i had food and i was hungry but u were also hungry, i wud watch u eat.
if i had time and u needed a moment i would wait to be excused.
if i had a smile and you did not, i would lend it so we both shared.
if i had a penny i found on the corner of the street i would donate it for u.
if i had a big heart and i wanted to burst in inspiration u would my masterpeice.
if i had a house and u needed a home u would be safe and happy.
if i had a hint that u would be better off without me, consider it done.
if i had a friend that would better u off, then i would introduce u.
if i had a prince, and i found all that iwanted in him, i would give him your fathers #.
if i had the job, and u needed it, i would quit and u would get a nice call.
if i had the opportunity to make you go to heaven, it would be my jihad.
if i had trust in one person 2 giv my message 2 th world b4 i die, u wud b my mssngr.
if i had moved continents i would buy u a laptop so we could webcam and chat.
if i had the permission to celebrate birthdays from Allah, i would brng a womn in labor
if u had wings, u wud wak up at fajr pryr andi would take you to school everymorning.
if you were doing something wrong, i will guide u. and if u insist, i will also.
if i could i would and i would close my eyes doing it.
if only this all could happen so we could look back and know theres at least one
person who wished the best for you as you would yourself.

I learned eight months of distance wasnt enough.

ugh.
im tired. and i saw a friend of mine i havnt seen for eight months...eight, were best sisters...this girl and i, whoa. and when I see her i have to hide...i have to call her and hug her where no one could see. i hate it, i cant believe people are so mean to deny me an opportunity to even talk to her human like and everything. when either her or I come around the world gets into a hogging fest and takes the one of us...and turns us into two.
Eight months isnt engough, not like this....i cant feel this I DONT CARE feeling so that not a person in the world can hold back how much i miss this girl....instead, i hid..in a room, waiting for the crowds to desinegrate...they didnt.

Hijab, in the hijab i found the hijab i found my own conviction

For the longest time, the latest style prevailing taste bandwagon configuration convention craze—fashion was my relish and thrill. I had no reason behind my attire, no purpose or true conviction with which I could lead certain objective. My clothes where mere entertainment with a closet as lavishly decorated blessed and whole could supply. No function, instead delight.

What life could I lead had I live for sheer entertainment? What kinds of value would I bring unto myself and how did it make me the humble modest quality I’ve dreamt of faithfully over the years?

Questions I found myself asking once sitting in class. I looked down only to see my body was expressed curve by peaceful curve although covered, I found my purpose in wearing my hijab (the covering) was unfounded; only to see my point had been missed, by my greatest audience, myself.

It was then did I appreciate the significance spoken and articulated through this hijab my body bears. While difficult to maintain, I shifted from patterns of my environment and closet to a hijab, which expresses no Eave’s curve, no push of warm muscle or skin, no lingering eye of alluring encouragement, nothing described except the hands at the ends of my arms and the face that spoke my actual function I serve to this world and myself.

The challenge was the everyday, every casual day I fight to maintain my twist between purpose and pleasure, to distinguish between what I need do, versus what I want. The challenge was meeting it. Pushing what other’s valued gently behind me, then finding this diffidence and finally integrity inside out, to represent this mind and its beliefs. This challenge I face in the mirror every morning, to uphold the dignity of a pious woman, giving up my love of trend for my love of intellectual freedom with no obstruction because of the distraction of beauty, is my fight for principle for reason. Then it dawned on me, everything we value is covered from the curious eye of man, from money to CDs to secrets gems and jewels, and they all wear the hijab, all carrying the cost of their beauty with their cover.

This jittered my confidence.

Protect yourself.

Distinguish yourself.

Meet the challenge.

It is the lesson and principle of this initiative from the hijab that now applies to most everything I do, which contributes this sense of individual serene confidence usefulness purpose and spirit. Getting me past the methods trends and fashions of norm and chiefly into my intellectual expansion.

Yes, not a day sets off without introducing its temptations to slink back to what used to be, but my self-sacrifice of beauty for my dream to achieve great moral and mind, I am finding my self-reliance gratitude and satisfaction renewed. With this mind set I am the walking learning example of where I need to be, which turned out to be my want all along. Mind over matter. Protect yourself. Distinguish yourself. Meet the challenge.