Have I really Failed?

this is a little more than i ever imagined....i dont know who to......ugh...everytime i think about what has happen with my grades, im speechless, i cant even tend to the conversation when this subject comes up, and all i feel like doing is dropping out...something i think iv wanted to do forever.

Not many understand, they think my ADD is all an excuse, but its my duality, and its my limitation...well for now.....i have never felt so empty, so limp and tired , im just a stare, staring into watever dimension will take hold of my mind for so many hours.... i really am a failure.

this hurts

Morality...Reality...they Rhyme :}

had a conversation with my counselor...only to notice that i missed two periods in school and lunch...

Not to say that time was wasted...I learned far greater things than I would have in class.

I found that sitting alone in this class, for lunch as I'm doing this very moment was as she put it: my way to find strength. Turns out, I'm an eagle. Or similar. Figuratively. An eagle looks for strength in flying directly towards the sun...and it keeps flying and flying and darting at that big ball all by itself...till it can no longer stand the heat of the sun....till it hurts and burns, it Plunges into the sea...where then its feathers come off....Completely naked the Eagle weak and strained crawls out of the sea, and up to a cliff. Where then the Eagle sits to itself, alone, featherless, in silence for months, till its feathers grow strong and proud once more. Only then will it join the world once more. only then does its strength rejuvenate. Till the Eagle excepts it upon himself to live between influence and struggle and the ultimate true judgement of character: life and its crisis.

I guess I am an eagle. I Like I know that. That was a 'wow' in my brain...and for the exact same reason that eagle tries so hard, then sits isolated and aloof ed on a cliff to ponder for strength to continue...Im here, room 103 lunch....all alone. For Morality, for strength, for character and God. Reality, pretty much. This one surely.

i found defenition.

dualism. i found it. daulism. oh god. im a foil to myself, and a protagonist. oh god.

BEST BUY. YOU WILL NEVER GO BANKRUPT....you have pledge customers by oath for life.deeply appreciated step you have taken to scatter wishes of happiness over here. Its taken to heart and yes thank you charge it on Debit not credit ;)

Lets Tell.

Lets tell.
Lets tell all. All of the naked truths out there. and lets stand up for them too. lets tell the truth that its not alone, that we will not accept naked truth to be clothed with any garmet cheap or expensive....Truth is in its nature--priceless.
Lets tell.
All of those who have abnormally small ears, that ignorance is not a physical condition...its a disease....pretending you cant hear truth cry out....is no excuse, if even deaf then make use of your eyes and bear the naked body of truth, bear its secrets and its message, bear its flaws that you have inflicted on it, bear its struggle and bear its epiphany, bear the beauty of naked truth. Be man to it, and love it, hold it, endure with it, take it home and introduce the naked truth to the family, then take it out and share your secrets with it, reproduce from it, so that no more baby lies can find their way into this world.
Lets tell All.
That Truth dear honest sincere Truth, WE shall stand for you, if even WE find ourselves alone. The Truth is its own friend and will open heartedly accompany you through your journey.
Bear the Truth. The Naked Truth, As it has born you.
Be Honest be Truthful. Lets Tell.
But Let me Tell you, Dont abuse truth, dont hurt it, or hide it, dont cheat on Truth, dont abandon truth in a single moment or your faults will turn into charactisitics of Liars and cheaters. Take care of Truth and it is to your own moral benefit. Do so much vulgar as to disregard Truth and you will pay in Lies of Liars, a price too Fat and Husky, you can hardly satisfy its Greedy sWeet Tooth. Lets tell all, you will pay a price so priceless its gifted to you once in your life...your Innocence and Purity.
Lets Tell.
Truth in its own disrobed, raw bare nude body, that we appreciate its nature, its beauty and fulfilling satisfaction. Even when WE stand as ONE, Truth will STAND in OUR DEFENSE.
Lets Tell.
All.

HOW would you Live your life, if You knew no one could see you??

this is a day. and i will be man about it. if u cant trust me. good. never offered. if i did and you still cant trust me. better. shows who you are.

Something a part of Mind wanted Me to Know.

My will supresses me.
My Freedom oppresses me.
Justice distracts me.
While evil attacks me.

I owe YOU

I owe YOU.
I love YOU.
I apologize to YOU.
YOU have been the sister, which I lacked for the little gap in my life and i treat you to this wait, this wonder on your own day of birth you have to wait for me..you had to wait for me and it was you who had to wonder....but i take fault for that and i am sorry i promised myself all year this would be something maybe i could surprise you with a visit....instead i am surprised by jealousy and bad intended prayers...and disappointment with myself. so while i am supposed to say thank yooou God for this extra arm leg body of a sister, i was going crazy in my mind in my room in complete rage. so thank you for understanding perfect person, thank you even in ur own day you put me ahead of you.
i love you.
i know it too, because this does feel like something a sister would do :) thanks i owe you one.

this is the resting NOW.

Traffic in my eyes,
Agenda of work, to-do.
Will. My only demise,
Not happiness. who knew?

Supposedly its a holiday.
Pjs sweater and walls.
Intelligent mind lead astray.
"Happy Eid" noone calls.

Left here missing someone.
Worse. Who are they?
Sadly beautiful. Hardly fun.
Me. The grand delay.

In this sitting moment,
Trying for fun or study?
Time that should've meant,
Spending in this dying party.

Spending with this price.
Paying--In follwing time.
Rolling hours like dice.
In secret my guiltiest crime.

Mirror mirror closet wall,
You speak so direct.
My reflection, a doll,
Princess and tragic fall.

This gift. This failure.
What have i done!
ADD! Not the cure!
Charge: ME the one.

Only blame to blame,
Is always the suspect.
So im in strain.
Me, vitcim to protect.

Playing both rival roles.
Super woman. Personal adversary.
Catch-22. Reduced into holes.
Claiming happiness! In contrary.

Side-effects: this twinging headache.
Little efforts for focus.
More side-effects: psycosis. heartache.
Normal. something ill miss.

Overall rush of only-ness.
Poor mind forced lower.
Lower than reachable greatness.
Time outdoes. lower. lower.

this IS restting NOW.
Only to pay Later.
Then its aggrivatated to-be.
this will be the resting tomorrow.




Why? The only question I can't satisfy.

Virtual...better to be fake.

So the world decided as a whole...interenet was the way to go..no one thought a revolutionary thought besides "Genious Internet!" and of course we all follow....who would have stopped to mention that 'yes we can do it....but should we try....at the cost of our minds and time...at the cost of maybe forever altering key things like the english language (omg lol) or comunicating with others (porn, romance, friendship)' thats never occurred....but what has occurred is this huge consequence of what we chose.....instead we weigh the two revolutionary thoughts side by side and vaguely nodd our heads to the left...the internet the conveience over the brains......matter over mind...
we like it when its fake and riddled with loooools and hahhaahahahahaha we think people actually care...we think people actually wanna give us hugs but we cant help but put lol between ever IM message and we label THAT as conversation....we dont know that in person we cant stand each other, that conversation is a real skill and luxury, and truly silence is with us all the time when depend on things like the internet,....its delicious things like the internet that distract us from 10minute gaps in time on chats....its so many accounts logged on signed in, in use....we seem busy....we like it fake, we like it all about us....we like leading these virtual lives that in reality we realize how the internet makes everything so real....
But lets keep leading these lives, because were too lazy for revolutionaries right? lets keep following....no need to interupt the signal, not now.

I forgot by who, "The feeling of being hurried is not usually the result of living a full life and having no time. It is on the contrary born of a vague fear that
we are wasting our life. When we do not do the one thing we ought to do, we have no time for anything else- we are the busiest people in the world"

Its Better to BE fake. (cuz we were not revolutionaries)

INBOX 1 from: me To:

i love you.
think about that....if i had 6000 dollars..and u merely asked for them, i would give them.
if i had a car and u needed it more then i do, i would run to the DMV.
if i had food and i was hungry but u were also hungry, i wud watch u eat.
if i had time and u needed a moment i would wait to be excused.
if i had a smile and you did not, i would lend it so we both shared.
if i had a penny i found on the corner of the street i would donate it for u.
if i had a big heart and i wanted to burst in inspiration u would my masterpeice.
if i had a house and u needed a home u would be safe and happy.
if i had a hint that u would be better off without me, consider it done.
if i had a friend that would better u off, then i would introduce u.
if i had a prince, and i found all that iwanted in him, i would give him your fathers #.
if i had the job, and u needed it, i would quit and u would get a nice call.
if i had the opportunity to make you go to heaven, it would be my jihad.
if i had trust in one person 2 giv my message 2 th world b4 i die, u wud b my mssngr.
if i had moved continents i would buy u a laptop so we could webcam and chat.
if i had the permission to celebrate birthdays from Allah, i would brng a womn in labor
if u had wings, u wud wak up at fajr pryr andi would take you to school everymorning.
if you were doing something wrong, i will guide u. and if u insist, i will also.
if i could i would and i would close my eyes doing it.
if only this all could happen so we could look back and know theres at least one
person who wished the best for you as you would yourself.

I learned eight months of distance wasnt enough.

ugh.
im tired. and i saw a friend of mine i havnt seen for eight months...eight, were best sisters...this girl and i, whoa. and when I see her i have to hide...i have to call her and hug her where no one could see. i hate it, i cant believe people are so mean to deny me an opportunity to even talk to her human like and everything. when either her or I come around the world gets into a hogging fest and takes the one of us...and turns us into two.
Eight months isnt engough, not like this....i cant feel this I DONT CARE feeling so that not a person in the world can hold back how much i miss this girl....instead, i hid..in a room, waiting for the crowds to desinegrate...they didnt.

Hijab, in the hijab i found the hijab i found my own conviction

For the longest time, the latest style prevailing taste bandwagon configuration convention craze—fashion was my relish and thrill. I had no reason behind my attire, no purpose or true conviction with which I could lead certain objective. My clothes where mere entertainment with a closet as lavishly decorated blessed and whole could supply. No function, instead delight.

What life could I lead had I live for sheer entertainment? What kinds of value would I bring unto myself and how did it make me the humble modest quality I’ve dreamt of faithfully over the years?

Questions I found myself asking once sitting in class. I looked down only to see my body was expressed curve by peaceful curve although covered, I found my purpose in wearing my hijab (the covering) was unfounded; only to see my point had been missed, by my greatest audience, myself.

It was then did I appreciate the significance spoken and articulated through this hijab my body bears. While difficult to maintain, I shifted from patterns of my environment and closet to a hijab, which expresses no Eave’s curve, no push of warm muscle or skin, no lingering eye of alluring encouragement, nothing described except the hands at the ends of my arms and the face that spoke my actual function I serve to this world and myself.

The challenge was the everyday, every casual day I fight to maintain my twist between purpose and pleasure, to distinguish between what I need do, versus what I want. The challenge was meeting it. Pushing what other’s valued gently behind me, then finding this diffidence and finally integrity inside out, to represent this mind and its beliefs. This challenge I face in the mirror every morning, to uphold the dignity of a pious woman, giving up my love of trend for my love of intellectual freedom with no obstruction because of the distraction of beauty, is my fight for principle for reason. Then it dawned on me, everything we value is covered from the curious eye of man, from money to CDs to secrets gems and jewels, and they all wear the hijab, all carrying the cost of their beauty with their cover.

This jittered my confidence.

Protect yourself.

Distinguish yourself.

Meet the challenge.

It is the lesson and principle of this initiative from the hijab that now applies to most everything I do, which contributes this sense of individual serene confidence usefulness purpose and spirit. Getting me past the methods trends and fashions of norm and chiefly into my intellectual expansion.

Yes, not a day sets off without introducing its temptations to slink back to what used to be, but my self-sacrifice of beauty for my dream to achieve great moral and mind, I am finding my self-reliance gratitude and satisfaction renewed. With this mind set I am the walking learning example of where I need to be, which turned out to be my want all along. Mind over matter. Protect yourself. Distinguish yourself. Meet the challenge.

Well this is it...

Well this is it... You I hate to put myself at the bottom of the food chain and at times I feel like I deserve no better, so I consider taking advanced placed classes, which here happen to be more of a pain in the temple than actual college class, my way up the food chain well mine at least....and to get myself ready I announced my dropping of ALL my AP classes in order to better my chances of getting accepted to the university of my choice. I know you think, How does that make sense?? Well look at it this way....when you know there's a car coming full speed ahead with no sign of mercy...you may not want to cross the dang street. Same analogy, plug it into my crazy, sweet UCLA grad teacher who thinks 50 page essay are FUN and timed writings are the shizzz.THEN, I thought to myself, I was doing it to myself...yeah ME. I was my best closest enemy and I worked at myself from the inside out. I think now, 'whoa how could I deprive myself from that beauty of education...no not that little benefit that comes with the package --power and money-- No something that i speak of is this iltimate ecstasy that renders to safety of knowing what you can't see. Rather that unmercyful feeling of utter confusion and out of that....no matter the support or numbers in people, lonliness seeps deeper than this atmosphere that hauls us in Earth's little hold of elements in a universe of elements...its this fullness that knowing can bring comfort, knowing why it rains, why it doesnt, why someone does drugs and proves hopless in the area of recovery...knowing is simply my goal target reason and place in those classes that I KNOW I will suffer from in such great regret of taking them....I want to say I hate myself for putting myself in such a bad position....but I can only say that when time passes this year to the next, thanks is all I can give to myself. My suffer and sleepless nights bring on a new level, a new challenge, a new beauty.....one more of a million I have to gain